21. In Turmoil
One bright, frosty morning, I unexpectedly received a letter from my brother in Warsaw, to the following effect:
"My Dear Brother:
"You should know, that the whole world does not consist of nothing but Jews with beards and forelocks. And the entire wisdom of the world is not found in a dusty Gemorrah with its "egg that was hatched on holiday". Beyond the four walls of the yeshiva, there lies a wider, richer, more beautiful world, which beckons to everyone. All are entitled to share in her beauty and riches...but it is difficult, very hard, because the way is strewn with obstacles. But he who is, from his youth, armed with the tools of knowledge, with education...he will be able to step up to the great table, and take his portion. But whoever is lacking in that knowledge, will suffer his whole life great troubles and pain...
"Therefore, it is my advice, that in addition to studying the Gemorrah, you should make time for learning worldy knowledge: to read, speak and wrtie Russian, the language of the land. In addition, you should also know a bit of geography, and especially mathematics. Because remember, little brother, without those, one is like a mute soul, unlucky his whole life.
"Therefore I am sending you, at the address of a good friend of mine, a package with all the necessary tools of learning. My good friend B... will provide you with a good Russian teacher. He will help you with whatever you need. But for God's sake, don't let anyone know about this. And especially, make sure that our Father, God forbid, should not find out.
"Think about it, Falikl...because it's no kind of future, to take your meals at stranger’s tables, with those rich, complacent housewives...it's time to build your own future, to earn for yourself your daily bread and the clothes on your back. If you follow my advice, things will go well for you. You won't have to experience all the hardships, that I continue to live through to this day. In the meantime, continue as before in the yeshivah. But as soon as I start earning a little more, I will send you every month a few roubles. You can enroll in the Brisk College, and learn some kind of a useful useful trade, such as a photographer, a printer, or an accountant.
"Because, my brother, we will soon need to find the means to help our poor parents, our youngest brother and our little sister. Someone will have to save them from the dark village.
From me, your brother, who thinks of you day and night,
Aryeh-Leyb.
After reading over my brother's letter, I sat there stunned...as though I'd been struck over the head with a plank. Soon I pictured my mother before my eyes...in my heart, I saw dark clouds gathering over her sky...I was overcome by a feeling of pity for her. Not enough that she had to bear the sorrow of "thre lost sons", over whom she was still grieving...now, along comes the youngest of those three, the troublemaker, the freethinker, who now wants to tear away from her the fourth one? No! It must not be allowed to happen! She would not be able to bear it! And what would my father say? I was terrified to even think about that. The very thought turned me hot and cold, cold and hot. I clutched my Gemorrah close to my heart, and ran to the yeshiva.
For the rest of the day, I couldn’t study. My friends tried to talk to me, but I didn’t hear them. A storm was raging in my heart. A feeling of anger and resentment against my brother overcame my whole being...he had, it seemed to me, hurled a heavy stone at me in yeshiva. I felt I could still hear the sounds of breaking glass. And within my thoughts, there broke out a commotion...I shuddered...a bitter argument rose up within my heart against that brother of mine. I begged him to leave me in peace:
"Brother, what do you have against me? Why do you want to disrupt my peaceful, yeshiva-boy’s life? I want to study! To study! Don’t you have any pity for our mother? Don’t you?!
But at the same time, something started to tug at me, as though by magic, I should look over my brother’s letter, which I still carried with me, deep in my chest-pocket, one more time...my brother, Aryeh-Leyb, who spoke to me with such warmth, with such love and trust...he calls me "little brother"...it seems to me that even now I can hear the sound of his warm voice...he is, after all, a clever man, a strong man, who had gone all by himself to the great city of Warsaw, which must have been as big as the city of Betar, where long ago the Jewish hero Bar-Kokhva had so heroically fought against the Romans...and my brother soon started to grow in my eyes into a kind of hero, who had set out to to stake his claim to a share of that greater, richer world for himself and for me....a feeling of gratitude flickered in my heart that I should have such a brother, who cares so deeply for me.
All kinds of thoughts and images started to mix together in my head: future..."daily meals"...rich, complacent housewives...an "egg that hatches on a holiday"..."Brisk College"....a hat with tassles....a fine coat.....silver buttons....and then, there appeared before my eyes a vision of the lovely Hannah, with the long, dark braids, who lived two doors down from my grandmother. I saw her every morning...while I was on my way to prayers with my phylacteries, she would be running off with her satchel of books to the high school...when I passed her, I would drop my eyes to the ground, flushed with heat, my heart pounding...I knew, that she didn't even look in my direction ... after all, she was a rich girl, a high school student, and me....a poor yeshiva-boy. Could it be, that if I also wore a the fine coat of a high-school student, that it might be different? Certainly it wood!
On the way to my "daily meal", where I was headed for lunch, I noticed for the first time the groups of high school students, returning from school with books under their arms, to whom I had previously paid no attention. My glance fell on their fine uniforms, so well-tailored and smartly fitted; the silver and gold buttons, which shone; the gleaming tassles they wore proudly on their hats. I compared my miserable outfit with theirs...how much finer they looked! They walked together in groups, girls and boys together, without shame....they were afraid of nobody...they joked and laughed so freely! The sound of their laughter rang out over the streets. Among them must also have been Hannah, my neighbor....
Oh, I thought to myself, they've got it good! They don't have to go each day to eat at a strange table, to wait for the servant-girl to say: "Yeshiva-boy, go wash up!"...they are so confident, so certain that somewhere already for them is prepared a great table with all kinds of wonderful foods. They are the lucky ones, who already partake of that greater, richer world, about which my brother wrote to me in his letter...
Then I reminded myself, that these must be the same "high schoolers" towards whom my mother felt such bitterness. It was they who had led astray my brother, Aryeh-Leyb, from the path of righteousness. Yes, it was undoubtedly them...they must already know about my brother’s letter...they were probably already thinking up ways, to snare my religious, God-fearing sould in their traps!....
I quickly turned my head away, so as not to look at them. Because each one of them might be an enticer, an agent of the devil, a serpent! Yes, a serpent, the same one who persuade our Mother Eve to eat the apple from the Tree of Knowledge....and in doing so, thereby condemned the world to troubles, pain, hardship, and death! Suddenly, they were hideous! I turned my eyes away from them in disgust, and with quick stepts, hurried of to my "daily meal".
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